was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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