Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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