Who wears a wallet chain?!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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