who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
