The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
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