I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
