Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
