How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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