New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
