the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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