I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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