it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize