i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
