she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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