I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
