i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
