no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
