she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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