I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
