dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sober January is a disaster.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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