someone threw a dead crab at me
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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