Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
