omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What a dumb baby whore.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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