Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
