No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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