So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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