made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
