she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize