When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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