I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
