I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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