I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
