OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
