Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
