i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
