Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
