Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
