i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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