i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
