Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
