you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
