She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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