I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize