Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
