Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
