he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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