At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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