In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize