I molested 6 butterflies tonight
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
