Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
