____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize