he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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