The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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