Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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