I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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