Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
