Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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