Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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