I'm really into asian looking animals
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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