Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize