I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
