I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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