Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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