my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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