Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
