meet me or not, i'm out of control
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
