why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
