If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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