GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
