I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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